Doin' It Halfway Since 1996

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus

And in this corner . . .

I’m wondering about something.

Why are moms battling against each other? It’s like we’ve never left the high school arena. There’s a cattiness out there fitting only to sixteen year-old girls. We’re still battling it out, trying to compete against each other and I’m still trying to figure out what we’re trying to win. Bragging rights? A feeling of superiority? The need to be right? I’m confused.

I’m talking about the stay-at-home versus working mom battle out there. When did we decide that we played for different teams?

I spend most of my time with stay-at-home moms. It’s more convenient that way. We don’t work, so we can meet up during the day at the park or play group or at each others’ homes and spend time together. We talk about our kids incessantly, trade parenting war stories, and ask each other advice on a myriad of issues. It’s what we do. We don’t dress up (usually) because our business is changing diapers, doing laundry, drying tears and raising our family. Our clothes don’t have to be dry cleaned (they’re probably going to get spit up or pooped on anyway), we wear jeans and t-shirts and flip flops.

I’ve never been a working mom, so I can’t speak for what their days are like. But I know that they still have to come home and do a lot of  the same stuff that we stay-at-home moms do. And because my schedule runs on a completely different clock than theirs, I don’t have many friends who are working moms. It’s just the way it is.

However, I recently was put in a situation where I was the only stay-at-home mom in the bunch. And it felt awkward. I was also the only one who had more than one child, but these women were the same age as me. It felt weird.

Maybe I’m making it up in my head, and maybe I’m not. But I felt like I was an unwelcome outsider treading too close to their territory of busy schedules and the art of juggling parenthood with a career. Perhaps they had the impression that because I don’t work, I’m not educated. When they asked how I met my husband and I mentioned that we met at college, and I worked full-time so he could finish college before we had children, they seemed to soften a little.

Maybe I was feeling weird because I didn’t know these women. Maybe I read way more into it than I should have. Maybe they weren’t thinking what I thought they were thinking.

Regardless of the possibilities their misplaced condescension, right then and there I began to question my and my husband’s choice for me to be a stay-at-home mom. Maybe I’m not as good as they are. Maybe they would like me better if I worked like they did. If I could talk about my job and my profession, they would respect me. Maybe if I had chosen to get my advanced degrees before having children, I might be interesting to them.

Whoa. Back up that horse a little bit. How old are you? And why are you asking yourself these questions?

Looking back on it, I’m wondering if I didn’t put off a little “stay-at-home mom superiority complex” myself. Maybe as we conversed, they heard, “I raise my children and don’t expect someone else to do it for me” or “my job is the most important one in the world” or “I choose to stay home because my children are the most important thing to me.” I didn’t say those things to these women. I didn’t even think it. But, maybe it came out?

I am guilty of judging working moms for their choice. I’ll admit it. In the past, I have considered my choice to be the superior one. And I had a big cheer leading section for my choice in other stay-at-home-moms. It’s easy to praise each other for making the same choice.

And what about working moms? Do they not pride themselves on the choices they’ve made too? It has to be easier to keep friends who also work because they can understand the obstacles and hardships working moms face.

My question is when was this invisible battle line drawn? Why the need to justify to the opposite party why we made the choices we made? When did we start allowing ourselves to be offended by the choices that someone else makes for their family?

Am I making all this up? Am I seeing something that’s not there? I don’t think so. The truth is that I think we all want the same result: children, when grown, who are capable and responsible citizens that contribute positively to this world. So why are we so busy condemning one woman for working or staying home, when we should be helping each other reach the end goal?

They say it takes a village to raise a child. I believe that. I believe it because my family has been transient since its inception and I’ve had to find villages wherever we go. I have never lived near my or my husband’s extended family in a way that allows my kids’ grandparents to be constantly and actively involved in the raising of my children. But God has given me many friends and friends who have become family to help me along this crazy journey of parenthood. It’s true that many different types of people are needed to raise a child.

So why? Why are we too busy arguing about what women who are moms should do instead of spending time raising up the next generation – together? Daycare, stay-at-home, work outside the home, work in the home . . . who cares? It’s not what we do that matters when it comes to being a parent, but how we raise our children.

I’m just putting the questions out there. I don’t have an answer. I just know that in the end, my responsibility is to my children, to my family. I have to answer to God for the choices I make concerning them. I have to focus on raising my children the best way I know how, and stop second guessing whether or not I made the right decision.

Should I be given the opportunity, I will consider it a privilege to walk alongside and help other parents (working or staying at home) on this journey as they raise their children. I hope you will too.

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2 responses to “And in this corner . . .

  1. Kathleen Henson November 2, 2010 at 3:46 am

    Interesting post. Intriguing thoughts.

    As a working mom I too have fallen into the trap of feeling as if I am failing my children in some way by working outside the home, especially when I am with my non-working (as if moms aren’t always working) moms. I can’t say I have ever seen moms that stay home as beneath me, but I have had my fair share of experiences that make me think some of these moms are very UNHAPPY. So many of them seem bitter and always finding something to complain about. I don’t want to be that person.

    As a working mother, I do make sacrafices such as missing class parties and field trips with my children. Our evenings are filled with homework, basketball practices, and pageant prep on top of all the regular housekeeping. However, I would not trade it. I love my hectic life.

    I am a teacher. I get to be on the same schedule as my children so I do get to be home with them over all the breaks and on unscheduled snow days. On those days, I love every minute I am with them. I think I have the best of both worlds. I get to work at a craft I love, helping all sorts great children, I see my kids as much as I can with our schedule and I am with them more that some working moms can be.

    I think it is a very personal choice if a person stays home or works. Of course, and unfortunately, money does play a role in this decision. Some people don’t have the luxury of choosing based on desire, but on need. For those woman, I truely grieve. For those of us that have the freedom of choice, I pray that you choose what is right for your family and your needs and desires.

    As mama bear so aptly said, we need to see our roles as opportunities to show our children what a diverse world we live in and all the opportunities that are available to them. Each of our expriences can to us and our children valuable lessons. Find the silver lining in all things and be happy about what is in your life.

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