Doin' It Halfway Since 1996

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus

I forgot

Squeals of delight as the Daddy Monster emerges and chases the Princess Daughters through the hallway into their bedroom, scaring them in the fun way that only daddies can do. They playfully run away, knowing full well that Daddy can and will catch them and tickle them ad nauseum. But still they run, half hoping that their small legs will carry them faster than his bum knee will him. Hugs and kisses. Giggles from upstairs.

I sigh. Bliss.

I’ve missed it. I’ve failed to see it. My heart has been hardened by the bitterness of his new job and his long working hours. I’ve been numbing myself with peanut butter cups and Netflix, telling myself that it’s okay to be angry all the time because circumstances are less than satisfactory.

I’ve let my mind give way to irrational thoughts, unforgiving attitudes, hurtful diatribes circling my brain.

Stewing. Brooding. Seething.

I’ve tried to hide it under the guise of dutiful wife and mother. I’ve called it perseverance and patience and submission. But it’s more like what my communications professor called gunny sacking, throwing the little pebbles and rocks of discontent into the emotional bag hanging over my shoulder until it’s so weighted the poison inside pours out and infects everything it touches.

A few days of self-loathing. Tears. Heartache. Some hurtful words. A discussion. Prayer.

Our marriage, our relationship, preserved and protected by grace. If it weren’t for grace, we’d just be a couple of people caught up in the rat race of life hurting and hurting each other. But for grace, the would be unhappily married couple moves forward, trusting that he’s not finished with what he’s started – both in us individually and as a couple.

I have forgotten how I waited for fifteen months for him to come home from war. How I longed for his companionship, his embrace, his kiss. I forgot that I prayed fervently for his safe and swift return. I forgot how I would have given just about anything to have him home for just one day. Now he comes home everyday and I don’t appreciate it. I take it for granted.

I’m a girl and sometimes I get caught in the ebb and flow of my emotions. It doesn’t excuse me from bad behavior. It doesn’t make my sin any less sinful. If anything, it takes me to the end of myself where I find the tattered rags and remember to fall to my knees.

The marriage of two fallen, imperfect humans gives way to an imperfect marriage.

But I believe and trust that God makes all things new. ALL things. Including our earthly marriage.

P.S. I did read this to my husband and made sure he was okay with me posting this. He said, “I love it. Post it.”

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5 responses to “I forgot

  1. Renee Ann February 16, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    I too often lurk at your site instead of commenting. But I love this post! What a testimony to how God works in us to use right thinking to guide our emotions out of those dangerous areas. Thanks for sharing this! Blessings!

  2. mangiabella February 16, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    beautiful heartfelt post – I am praying for you this morning bella, as I walk around in my dirty sweats (from wiping runny noses with sleeves and the bottom of my shirt) and messy hair (feels like dreadlocks this morning) as I take care of my two sick babies (2 1/2 year old has strep and a cold and my soon to be one year old has a cold) while I try to straighten up the house (sigh….super messy, husband is out of town, coming home in a few hours….i look like i feel…frazzled!) but there is much on my heart for my friends needing prayer today, and you will be among these prayers – I am still thinking on the sacred romance and the workbook/journal that goes with it – i do hope you can find a way to read it, i find it difficult to describe in human words how much it has spoken to and helped me begin the healing journey of the wounds that lie deep within…..i feel as though a thousand pounds have been lifted off of my heart…..thinking of you….

  3. Rachel February 16, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    We all go through these emotions and since you see it, discussed it, and praying about it, you and your marriage will succeed. It is the people that never look at their own reflections and always blaming others that don’t succeed. In my prayers my FB friend (just sad that we never met up) and know we all have been there, some even still there, but God is on your side!

  4. Christin February 16, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    You know, not everyone will admit it, but we all get like this at times. I used to be really bad at it – allowing the enemy to “talk” to me and tell me lies. I would have to rebuke them and pray – and pray HARD. When hubby and I would have a serious dispute, I would pray. For me. For him. And God would work it all out.
    I still occasionally hear those lying whispers, and still have to remember to fight them off. God will finish what He’s started in you – and your marriage. Just keep pressing forward and keeping praying through. Resist the lies of the enemy [and he will flee from you]. *Hugs*

  5. Angela Mackey February 18, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    Girl. I understand. My sweet hubby is often busy and I have to guard against those moments!

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