Doin' It Halfway Since 1996

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus

Please Ignore the Girl Behind the Curtain

Winter gripped my heart and held it in its grasp.

I found myself traveling down those dark roads in my mind, entertaining thoughts that most people don’t dare to venture.

There it was, staring me in the face again, my depression.

It steals so much life, so much humanity, so much joy from me. I wonder who else gets pulled in by its deathly clutches.

It’s why I’ve been absent. It’s why I’ve been distant. It’s why I’ve been hiding out in my house, begging those who drive by to please ignore the girl behind the curtain.

I don’t want people to see me. Or it. Or its effects.

I hate it, this depression.

I wonder who that person was, who this person is, what these motions I’ve been calling living have been all about. I feel like I’ve been out of my mind, out of my body, watching a poor woman struggle to just get out of bed each day. I’m watching a terrible movie with no plot, no direction, no storyline, no hope for getting better. But I can’t leave the theater because I’ve invested too much time and energy into it and I just have to see what the Great Author is going to do with this mess of a story.

So here I am, on the verge of a fresh, new Spring.

I have found myself rubbing my eyes at the sun’s first spring rays for the last few years. My ears open to the songs of the feathered northern travelers who’ve made their temporary home in my backyard. I’m waking up from a sleepwalking dream that seems so surreal. I feel all the promise that Spring brings, a breath of fresh air and the newness of life.

Yet, the devastation of the harsh winter that is my depression is very real and very present. It has affected me and the people close to me that I love so very much.

I know it’s been rough on them.

Because this morning, my almost six year-old was surprised to find me in a good mood when she woke up, like it’s only on the most rare occasion that mommy should could would ever be in a good mood.

Because my husband is doing everything he knows to do to help me (because he loves me), but he still feels helpless.

Because several members of my family, who live far away, are making treks to visit me, even if they know it will only lift my spirits for a time.

I can’t explain it. All I know is that the people who love me, who care about me, are all saying the same thing, “I’m worried about you.”

I am so thankful for all of them. Because they know me. They can tell when life isn’t life to me. And they pray.

I am so thankful that I’m not alone. They may not get it. They may not understand it. They don’t know how to help me. But they love me just the same. They haven’t given up on me just because loving me is difficult. Without them, I wouldn’t be here. Without them, I’d be just another buried soul that had given up before her measure of living had been complete.

So thank you, old friends and new, in real life and online, for not letting me give up. For calling and pestering and emailing and facebooking and twittering and caring.

Thank you Lord, for putting all of them in my life.

My coffee mug speaks more words of life than I know.

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6 responses to “Please Ignore the Girl Behind the Curtain

  1. Melanie B. April 11, 2011 at 9:54 am

    Thinking of you. Please call anytime if you need a chat.

  2. Sarah April 11, 2011 at 11:57 am

    Christan! That’s it…I’m calling you later. Please talk to me. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs!!!

  3. Krista April 21, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    Friend: all I can say is, I have been there. I have walked this road and always will, to some extent. It’s how I am made, for better or worse. My solution has been to get medical help, for the sake of my kids. These years demand so much that it’s hard to care for myself the way depression requires to overcome. I still struggle with low self esteem related to poor life managent skill related to low energy related to a depressive personality. But the treatment takes the edge off enough to remember I want to overcome. I am glad to know you and hope we can continue to encourage one another through homeschooling *in spite of* depression. Pholippians

  4. Krista April 21, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    *ahem* gotta love smart phone web surfing…

    Philippians 4:13 We can do it all because Christ. We don’t have to come to the table with that strength, rather He has the strength for us.

    Be blessed today. 🙂 would love to hear more about your thoughts on the curriculum planning too. I bet you and I need to consider similar things in what homeschool looks like for us as teachers.

  5. Alison Golden May 4, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    What a beautifully written post. I only have had odd days of depression and thank my lucky stars for that. My heart goes out to you and especially as you are homeschooling. I have no words other than to say I hope you find comfort and that I have been touched by your post.

  6. Melissa May 7, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    Beautifully written. I’ve been in that darkness, too, and I’m now on medication to keep my head above water. Like you, I’m very thankful for the family and friends who stood by me even when it wasn’t easy.

    There is hope! Email me if you want to chat.

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